Most of us have heard Gilbert’s quote, “Let the punishment fit the crime.” While this is logically sound, I prefer “let the love fit the child.” Most of us spend a lot of time on the consequences part of raising kids. Regardless of our discipline style, we don’t realize that we wouldn’t need to spend so much time developing, implementing, and enforcing those things if we focus on understanding behavior and supporting our kids as they learn and grow.  

When we crave something, it can be challenging for us not to meet that desire even if we want to or feel that we should. In general, when we have a craving, we try to fulfill it or deal with it in some way. While hanging around this planet, we start to notice that not all craving fulfillment is created equal. If, for example, I crave chocolate, there are loads of choices. I could, as an adult with means, go to the store and buy chocolate. But which store and what chocolate? That depends on my goal. You would choose the one that meets your desire completely and most efficiently among the options. I wouldn’t go to the grocery store and buy a bag of Hershey’s kisses. They are chocolate, and they would meet the desire, but I would likely eat the entire bag and still have a craving that will return quickly and sometimes with more intensity. I would go to my local chocolate shop and buy a tiny bag of four or five bite-sized delights to take home and savor over a couple of hours. I would be delighted, and the craving wouldn’t return for some time. My body is happy, my taste buds are ecstatic, my brain is comfy, and there is calm. 

I used this example because I know there are many chocoholics out there who can relate, and if you can’t, replace the model with a craving of your choice to get the feeling the desire/fulfillment cycle gives you. It’s easier to understand when you get the feeling yourself.

It’s like this with love and attention. Everyone is born with different temperaments, personalities, and goals. They have individual wants and needs that sustain them. Over time we learn how to meet our needs, but whether we learn to do it healthily or destructively depends on our upbringing and environment. This, and our sanity, is why we must find the most effective ways to meet our child’s need for love and support.

There are various ways to do it. I recommend taking the Love Language quiz for kids to get started. It will instantly give you an accurate picture of how your child craves love. Get the whole family in on the fun. Anyone over five can take it, but it’s most accurate after seven. 

Don’t stop there! Here are three more ways you can let the love you give fit the child you have.

1. Observe them. What kinds of games, toys, or playmates do they go to when they play? Are they quiet or talkative, curious or authoritative, outgoing or self-contained with others? How do they react when stressed or upset, and how do they soothe themselves? The answers to these questions are clues to what they need. For instance, if your kiddo is energetic and curious, they likely need conversation, questions, physical activity, and engagement to feel loved, understood, and valued. If your child is more of the quiet, curious type, they would be better suited to shared books, parallel activities, and thoughtful questions that make them feel loved, seen, and connected.
2. Keep yourself in mind. Boundaries have countless benefits for you both. Just because a kiddo loves to talk endlessly doesn’t mean they need your ears all the time. Kids love to know what to expect and to have things to look forward to. They also need to know it’s ok if they feel the urge to be alone. They won’t miss out on anything if they take some downtime. Even the most extroverted people need time to recharge. Your child is no different. But they need you to model what it looks like to have various parts of your day for certain activities. Kids are very cooperative as long as they can count on their needs being met consistently. If you need 30 minutes in the morning and afternoon with no talking, tell them, relate it to something they understand, have a timer they can check, and give them something to look forward to during and after quiet time.
3. Dedicate time. Whether you have a preschooler or a teen, everyone needs a weekly, if not daily, check-in. Five minutes or less daily, 30 minutes or more for weekly dates. Get in a hug and see what’s going on in their world. Ask about what they are interested in and listen. This makes question-asking, gift-giving, and cup-filling much easier because you know your child well. Also, they can feel your love with the time, interest, and care you’re investing in them. 

Try these tips and add your own. Remember, you are doing better than you think you are, and you are on your path to learning what you need to learn. Keep going!